Cheering myself up

I have been very sad lately. My grandmother passed away and its hit me very hard. Hubby has been working a lot so its just been me and Bubby together. My PND is something that I am working hard on, although living with PND involves being a lot more proactive than what I would like.

Today, Bubby and I went to the markets to cheer me up (Bubby didn't need cheering up - he is (as he always is) in a fabulous mood).


As I sit here and type this with tears rolling down my cheeks and drinking a very strong gin I realise you don't have much time left my darling Mama. After 87 years, 5 children, 23 grandchildren and 1 great-grandchild, you are now leaving us.

You were the woman who taught me how to cook, how to bake, how to paint my nails and put on makeup. She taught me important rules of how to be a lady and how to have tea. I hate seeing you like this but I take little comfort in knowing that you don't have much longer.

You are a strong and amazing woman, my darling Mama. Now that Bubby's been born you are a great-grandmother as well as a grandmother to so many (one of the perks of having 5 children I suppose). You came to my debating. You watched my minkey. You spent Saturdays with me. You taught me so much. You taught me fierce independence. you taught me audacious humour.

You shouldn't be like this, my Mama. You should be busy being rebellious by drinking brandy alexander's in the morning and going out to dinner and ordering off the children's menu.

Oh Mama, I know you are already well on your way to leaving this world. All I have done today is sat and watched you and held your hand. I had to fight the 20-something other family members off just to get close to you. So many people love you Mama. I know you have to leave me and for selfish reasons I want you to stay. I know you have to go. I'm trying to understand it.

If I'm not around for a while, please don't forget about me. My darling grandmother is about to pass away (the priest has given her her last rites) and I'm struggling with juggling it all. I'm not very good at this.

3 months old today!

Our first cuddle

My little man is 3 months old today! Oh, Bubby, I can't believe how far we've come. I've been thinking about the last 3 months and what has happened.

This time exactly 3 months ago (7.03pm, 16 May 2012) I had just had my epidural and was finally feeling some relief. I had been in labour for 12 hours and had been struggling for about 6 (that darn syntocin drip!) I had almost lost sight of what I was doing and why I was going through this pain and struggle. Darling Hubby hadn't left my side and was helping me so much. Every hour during my labour I had to have a blood test (due to gestational diabetes) and I was too out of it to do it myself so he was lovingly doing that every hour and recording the results. When I started getting hypoglycemic (because during labour you don't eat or drink - at least I didn't) Hubby would lovingly feed me lemonade to try to keep my sugars up.

We got home from the hospital and we were so scared of what we were doing. Hubby was on school holidays so for the first 4 weeks of Bubby's life, Hubby was right there helping. Feeding was a nightmare, (I talked about that here) but he was sleeping so well and so easy to handle the rest of the time.

2 weeks after Hubby went back to work I went to the OB GYN for my 6 week check. Some red flag went off in his mind and he was adament I see my GP because he was certain I had post natal depression. He rang my GP and wrote 2 letters to my GP to make sure I went to see him, he was that concerned. My GP (who I saw 2 days later) got me in to see an amazing doctor who doesn't ever see new patients and only treats women with post natal depression. He then diagnosed me with post natal depression and 2 days later I made the decision to go into the Mother Baby Unit.

I planned on staying 3 days. I stayed for 15. It was, by far, the best and hardest decision I had made in Bubby's life. It was my first big decision as a parent. My stay at the MBU allowed me to really learn how to enjoy Bubby and our play times. I was able to really spend quality time with Bubby. Lots of it. And can you ever spend enough time loving your Bubby?

We've been home from the MBU for almost a month now. Bubby is happy wherever he is. He's giggling now. He thinks he can talk, and talks complete sentences in his own special language. He loves his Jolly Jumper, his play mat, his Bumbo, his Tigger. He's discovered his right hand and, much to his mother's dismay, loves to suck on it!

I can't believe it. I never thought I would be here 2 months ago.

I survived. We thrived. I'm actually looking forward to what the next 3 months bring!
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