Cheering myself up

I have been very sad lately. My grandmother passed away and its hit me very hard. Hubby has been working a lot so its just been me and Bubby together. My PND is something that I am working hard on, although living with PND involves being a lot more proactive than what I would like.

Today, Bubby and I went to the markets to cheer me up (Bubby didn't need cheering up - he is (as he always is) in a fabulous mood).

3 months old today!

Our first cuddle

My little man is 3 months old today! Oh, Bubby, I can't believe how far we've come. I've been thinking about the last 3 months and what has happened.

This time exactly 3 months ago (7.03pm, 16 May 2012) I had just had my epidural and was finally feeling some relief. I had been in labour for 12 hours and had been struggling for about 6 (that darn syntocin drip!) I had almost lost sight of what I was doing and why I was going through this pain and struggle. Darling Hubby hadn't left my side and was helping me so much. Every hour during my labour I had to have a blood test (due to gestational diabetes) and I was too out of it to do it myself so he was lovingly doing that every hour and recording the results. When I started getting hypoglycemic (because during labour you don't eat or drink - at least I didn't) Hubby would lovingly feed me lemonade to try to keep my sugars up.

We got home from the hospital and we were so scared of what we were doing. Hubby was on school holidays so for the first 4 weeks of Bubby's life, Hubby was right there helping. Feeding was a nightmare, (I talked about that here) but he was sleeping so well and so easy to handle the rest of the time.

2 weeks after Hubby went back to work I went to the OB GYN for my 6 week check. Some red flag went off in his mind and he was adament I see my GP because he was certain I had post natal depression. He rang my GP and wrote 2 letters to my GP to make sure I went to see him, he was that concerned. My GP (who I saw 2 days later) got me in to see an amazing doctor who doesn't ever see new patients and only treats women with post natal depression. He then diagnosed me with post natal depression and 2 days later I made the decision to go into the Mother Baby Unit.

I planned on staying 3 days. I stayed for 15. It was, by far, the best and hardest decision I had made in Bubby's life. It was my first big decision as a parent. My stay at the MBU allowed me to really learn how to enjoy Bubby and our play times. I was able to really spend quality time with Bubby. Lots of it. And can you ever spend enough time loving your Bubby?

We've been home from the MBU for almost a month now. Bubby is happy wherever he is. He's giggling now. He thinks he can talk, and talks complete sentences in his own special language. He loves his Jolly Jumper, his play mat, his Bumbo, his Tigger. He's discovered his right hand and, much to his mother's dismay, loves to suck on it!

I can't believe it. I never thought I would be here 2 months ago.

I survived. We thrived. I'm actually looking forward to what the next 3 months bring!

27 before 28

I have shamelessly stolen this idea from Mademoiselle Slimalicious because it sounds like a great motivational idea.

27 Before 28

Start date: 12th August 2012
End date: 30th June 2013.

In progress: Italic
Completed: Struck through

Lose 9kg
Get 50 followers
Make pastry from scratch
Complete first year of my Masters
Save $10,000.00
Go on a holiday as a family
Be medication free
Volunteer at a school
Go 30 days without buying clothes
Go swimming with Bubby
Go out for dinner/have a date night once a month
Make my own gnocci
Decorate a cake with fondant
Learn how to flood fill cookies
Fall back in love with my husband
Keep blogging
Meet blog friends in real life (and not be looking horrendous this time!)
Go to spin classes regularly
Menu-plan every week
Start instagraming
Figure out how to work Twitter
Visit my husband at work with Bubby
Have a catch up with a friend at least once a fortnight
Learn how to cook a yummy roast pork (its my kryptonite!)
Have a bubble bath once a fortnight
Take more photos
See live music


What are the things you would like to achieve before your next birthday?

Having a bad day

I'm sure its not just me who has these from time to time. When I was first diagnosed with post natal depression, every day was a bad day. Now that I have had my stay at the Mother Baby Unit and I have some coping strategies in place, I don't have as many bad days. But it still happens. I think that having a young baby makes things harder to control and anticipate - which is why the bad days seem so bad.

Today I had my mother-in-law come over to watch Bubby for a couple of hours while I went to the doctors. This was the second time she had done this. Last week when she watched him I was very disappointed and I was a little anxious that this week it would not be a success either. Last week, she waited for me to leave and then had my father-in-law over. Within 10 minutes they had Bubby out of his bed (when they had been told explicitly to leave him there, per the instructions from the nurses of the Mother Baby Unit). So due to the fact that not only did they do the opposite of what I had asked them to do, but also there was someone in my house, playing with my baby without my knowledge, my anxiety was through the roof. This week, I decided to give her a second chance. She appeared with my sister-in-law (at least she didn't wait for me to leave before having extra people over) and I was out for an hour and a half or so. Bubby was allowed to sleep for a maximum of an hour of it from what I can gather. He was meant to sleep the entire time I was out, he was only just put down to bed as I left. I gave the specific instructions again to leave him in his bed and go in and soothe him if needed but that was it. But when I got home, Bubby was out of bed being played with by my in-laws again. Can someone tell me what to do? How does one get their in-laws (or anyone, actually) to actually follow simple instructions? I'm one for avoiding conflict but it doesn't seem possible in this case.

Anyway, after Bubby's sleep was disrupted, my in-laws left me with a very angry, yelling, red-eyed exhausted Bubby. Thanks. That was at 1pm. 5 hours later and there's been little-to-no silence in the house since. Of course, this is the day that Hubby left work early to look after Bubby so I could complete my Uni work. But of course, inconsolable Bubby was so unhappy that it has taken both of us to try to settle him.

I have gotten the smallest, barest amount of Uni work done. Hubby has barely had 5 minutes to himself. Bubby has been upset and over-stimulated and over-tired all afternoon. Of course, my in-laws are at their peaceful house feeling relaxed and enjoying a quiet family meal together. Meanwhile Hubby and I are bedraggled, frustrated, snappy, grumpy and wrestling with a very unhappy little man. It doesn't seem fair, does it?

My breastfeeding story

Yesterday was my first mothers group and I was the only member who doesn't breastfeed. It was confronting and very upsetting for me and its made me think about my breastfeeding story and wondering just how rare it is. I guess I had convinced myself that it wasn't all that rare and that there are lots of other women out there like me. Yesterday made me feel alone... very alone.

Before I was married, before I planned for children, before the thought of being pregnant was even an option... I didn't know what the big fuss was all about. I thought that it wasn't particularly glamorous to be breastfeed, and I thought that it seemed like a necessary but not fun part of having a baby - like changing nappies or something.

Then when I was trying to get pregnant and actually pregnant I thought about breastfeeding again and I thought it was something that would be exhausting and a lot of responsibility using my body to get a little baby to grow and thrive and develop. I thought it was a lot of pressure and a lot of work and not something I was particularly looking forward to - but still something that I was going to have to do. I figured I would breastfeed for only as long as necessary and not any longer.

Then when my darling Bubby was born - everything changed, including my views on breastfeeding. When he was first born he had absolutely no interest in sucking or licking anything. He just wanted to snuggle and cuddle. Eventually, my milk still hadn't come in (I never got colostrum) and he still wouldn't even suckle so the nurse decided to give him formula. I wasn't a part of that decision although I wouldn't have argued because I didn't want him to starve. On day 5 when feeding still hadn't happened (I had just thought it was something that just "happened" all of a sudden) lovely Hubby scruffed a lactation consultant who was in the private hospital where I was and got her to try to help me. After a lot of wrestling, crying (by both of us) and struggling, we were able to get Bubby to feed by using a nipple shield. He had a tongue tie (which was snipped later that day) and a front lip tie so his top lip always curls under.

We went home from the hospital with vague ideas of what to do feeding wise, and a plan to go back to the breastfeeding clinic at the hospital 3 times a week. After 2 weeks, Bubby still wasn't gaining any weight and I had suffered bleeding nipple after bleeding nipple and I just had 2 chaffed, cracked, bleeding masses on my chest. So I was told to express and bottle feed Bubby that way. Immediately, Bubby was happy. He gained LOTS of weight and feeding was no longer this negative struggling experience. Finally we were feeding in a bonding, positive way and I was thrilled.

By 7 weeks of age I was less than thrilled. Bubby might have been thriving but I was suffering. I would spend 6 hours a day expressing... and was constantly panicking about what I would do if my supply ran out or lessened and I couldn't feed my baby. I was so unhappy with the feeding situation but I didn't know what to do about it. The paediatrician and g.p. all said to just wean him to formula but I thought that was giving up AND I didn't know how to go about it. I felt trapped and completely alone and very very very ashamed.

I was diagnosed with post natal depression and admitted to the Mother Baby Unit for treatment. Within 48 hours of admission I had a feeding plan sorted out for Bubby. I saw a world leading lactation consultant who gently explained that feeding without a nipple shield was impossible for us due to Bubby's mouth. After wrestling and battling with Bubby still to try to feed after not feeding like that for a month, I had yet another bleeding nipple and I came to the realisation that the image of breastfeeding I had in my mind wasn't the breastfeeding relationship Bubby and I were going to have. I made the decision to wean him onto formula and as of Monday, he will be an exclusively formula fed baby.

I grieve the loss of this relationship every day. Watching those mothers breastfeed their babies without any worry or stress or battle just broke my heart. I had convinced myself as a way of accepting our situation that I was not alone in this situation - but now I feel that actually I am. I thought that some mothers who didn't have difficulties feeding would even be thinking of weaning by now even. I didn't see any evidence of that yesterday.

I honestly did everything I could to try to create that kind of a relationship for Bubby and I and it breaks my heart that it wasn't going to happen. When I tried telling the nurse who takes our mothers group about it and I described the various complications she said "Ohh so he's got lots of problems then" and I was crushed. No mother likes to think that there's anything wrong with their baby, and yet that's exactly how she made me feel.

Every time I see a mother nursing their baby I just want to curl up and cry because I am afraid that they have a better bond with their baby than what I have with mine. I am afraid that they are a better mother than I. I am afraid that people look at me and think I am a bad mother. I am afraid of so much and its using every effort within myself to remember that I have made a decision for our family that is best for us in our particular circumstances. I am trying to remind myself that feeding Bubby formula (which, incidentally, he now prefers to feed than the expressed breast milk!) is something that is best for us and best for our relationship. It is so hard and agonising. I just hope that in time it can get easier for us. And I really hope that someone else out there had a similar situation too.

A fresh start

After my life completely changing since I created this blog, I thought a fresh start might be in order.

I am Lisa. I am twenty seven years old. I am happily married to Hubby for 2 and a half years. We are the very proud parents of Bubby who was born on May 16 2012. He is our pride and joy and my continuing source of pure happiness, light and amazement.

I am a stay at home mum. I am studying a Masters of Teaching. I am an avid baker and cook. I collect recipes, cook books, baking supplies and cake decorating tools. I am trying to decorate our house somewhat so that it looks more of how I want it to look I suppose.

I have recently been diagnosed with post natal depression, which I was readmitted to hospital for treatment. The readmission to hospital was a life changing experience. The best decision of my life, other than Bubby and Hubby. One of the delightful midwives described me yesterday as EMPOWERED. It is the greatest compliment I have ever received. I am planning on doing my best to continue down this journey of self-awareness, joy, and empowerment.